All the Small Things
by lovelyapper
Summary: James and Peter give a bunch of rather well thought pointers that might explain why exactly Remus and Sirius can't keep girlfriends. / Rated T because of language.


**A/N:** IDEK

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter is not mine.

**Beta:** No.

* * *

"That's it," Lupin grumbled as he entered the dormitory room of the seventh year Gryffindor boys, and angrily strutted down towards his bed. As he reached it he tossed his bag on it, and throwing his hands in the air, he moaned to the whole room, "I give up. I'm done with dating! Finished. Kaput! Never again!"

"What is it now?" Potter questioned from the floor without even taking his eyes off the Map. He was sitting cross-legged, and he bent even closer to the map as if to see better. He squinted at something. "Lovers' quarrel?"

Remus slumped on his bed. "Well, Maude just broke up with me! How's that for a quarrel?"

Sirius' voice mumbled from the depths of his four-poster, "Oh crap..."

"She did?" Peter asked as he walked out of the bathroom. Drying his hair on a red towel, he slogged to his trunk. "What did she say?"

Lupin smiled bitterly, and leaned his elbows on his knees to cover his face. "Her kind words were, '_I don't think the types of you and I are fit to be together_'!" He shook his head in his hands. "How bloody great is that? The types of me..."

Sirius stumbled out of his bed, and with grace he stood up from the floor, muttering, "Fucking hell..."

"Exactly my choice of words when she confronted me about this," Lupin groaned and ruffled his hair. He lifted his head to watch Sirius sat next to him on the bed. "This is getting absolutely ridiculous! Even after I told her, she didn't believe me!"

Potter and Peter shook their heads somewhere in the background as Remus fell on his bed, sighing pathetically. Black sat on his legs, and nudged Lupin's side with one lazy finger. He said quietly, "Look, Remus... I thought she was above this."

"So did I," the werewolf muttered. "But apparently she wasn't."

While his fingers were cautiously stroking the geek's arm, Sirius breathed, "I'm so sorry, Remus."

"Yeah." Remus exhaled heavily and rubbed his face. He stared at the bed ceiling for a moment whilst ignoring the way Sirius scooted constantly closer. "This sucks. I'm just so done."

Quickly folding the Map, Potter was now up from the floor also. He stood in the middle of the room, dusting his clothes. "How many is that now?"

Black eyed him with a heavy sigh. "Separate or total?"

"Total."

On his bed, Lupin turned into a foetal position, and his nose faintly brushing Sirius' knee, he grunted, "Twelve."

"Twelve?" Peter repeated from his trunk, without believing his ears. He stared at them and shook his head. "That's ludicrous."

Potter tossed the Map on his bed and briskly walked up to the four-poster on which the two boys were lounging. He watched Sirius' fingers sweep one strand of Remus' hair behind the boy's ear, and asked as if the whole thing was unbelievable, "In total, twelve birds have broken up with the either of you because they've thought you two are shagging each other?"

"Yeap."

James ogled at them move no muscle besides Sirius' fingers. "That's cold."

While keeping his eyes deeply on Lupin, Sirius again said to James, "Yeap."

"Nay, that's... that's fucking arctic!" James panickily uttered and flailed his hands at them. "And by that I mean freezing up your bollocks and grinding them between two colossal ice blocks until they resemble nonpareil! Cold, I tell you!"

"A-ha," Black mumbled to no one particular, but generally speaking the direction was Lupin's hair.

Remus did no notice this. He was too busy trying to inhale Sirius' trouser fabric.

Slightly shaking his head, Potter said, "Maybe you should do something about it."

"Believe me we have tried," Remus moaned pathetically to Sirius' knees. "The girls never believe us."

Sirius stared at the curls on Remus' neck, and without even turning to James, he shook his head, "Blokes are even worse..."

Potter frowned at this. "Really?"

"And it's always the same reason," Lupin muttered while he sat up. Doing so, he leaned his hand on Sirius' thigh. "It's like they don't even care about the fact that two men fucking... It's rebuked and thought to be morally wrong, but..."

"Does that make _me_ morally wrong?" Sirius pulled a face next to him. "I've had a few."

Potter helpfully shook his head. "No, that just makes you a whore. Don't worry about it."

"Oh, right." Sirius smiled modestly as he turned back to Remus. "Continue."

Remus sounded as if he was trying to reason the situation to himself more than to the others. "But they don't care about that! All they care about is if either of us is cheating on them! The hell... I do not cheat!"

"Neither do I," Black concurred hastily. He casually swept something off Remus' shoulder. "I mean... I do cheat, but I don't do it deliberately. I mean I do... but not with Remus."

"How do they even think us together?" Remus rubbed his face. As he swiftly lifted his legs on the bed, he turned to Sirius. "Where have they gotten the fucking assumption? It doesn't make any sense!"

"Well, I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but..." Potter began and in second both Sirius and Remus' eyes were on him. James gestured towards them, saying, "You two are kind of touchy-feely with each other."

Sirius quickly drew his fingers off the werewolf.

"Not kind of." Peter stood up from his trunk and walked to James' side. "_A lot_."

"And all the time, actually," James continued thinking by himself. "And everywhere."

"You also sit with each other in every class you have together," Peter noted whilst sitting on Sirius' bed. "And you cackle during lessons. Remember how Sluggy gave you detention because of it? You giggled at him, too."

James cocked his head. "You have ridiculous nicknames for each other. Yeah... Sirius, you call him _love_ and _darling_. You never call me that," he said with an exaggerated pout.

Rubbing his jaw, Peter stated to himself, "Hugging and kissing is normal behaviour."

"So is sleeping each other's beds," James continued, turning to Peter. "Does that surprise you at all, Pete?"

"Not anymore," Peter said while nodding at Potter. "I'm used to it."

"You're making this up," Remus said, but no one heard him.

Sirius tried, "I sleep at Remmie's bed because it's better than mine!"

James exclaimed, "Of course it is! Look at all those pillows!" As Sirius turned to examine Lupin's massive pile of pillows behind them, Potter turned to the werewolf at hand; Remus looked like he was about to faint. James said to him, "No one except Sirius is allowed to bother you when you're trying to study... Or sleep. No one else is allowed to be in your bed at all." Gesturing towards Sirius who was now sniffing Remus' pillows, James muttered, "Proof number one."

Lupin lightly smacked Black's shoulder. "Stop that."

Grinning at Remus as the boy turned his eyes off Sirius, James uttered, "As you can see, he's the only person who makes you royally pissed off."

"He was sniffing my pillows," Remus tried pathetically. Potter nodded at him as if saying, '_Of course he was.'_

"You're jealous of him," Peter noted Sirius once the boy was sitting again on the bed. Pettigrew pointed at Remus, saying, "All the time," and once Sirius was about to protest, he interjected, "Even if you say you're not."

James stroked his non-existent beard. "If either of you is in the shower, it's not unexpected to see the other go into the bathroom, to... I don't know, _share the fucking shower_?"

The werewolf was rather expressionless. "We don't shower together."

Next to him, Sirius eyed him carefully from rather close.

So did Potter. He said, "I don't know about that, but I've seen you two bathe together, so... the shower business? Wouldn't astonish me one bit."

"Why are you two bullying us?" Remus asked with a rather tired expression on his face.

Peter smiled to no one except his own socks. "We're just stating facts."

Sirius was now staring at Lupin while James continued his list. "Lily calls you two _beaus_."

Feebly shaking his head, Remus said, "No, she doesn't."

Potter grinned yet again. "Oh, she does! In addition, she was particularly pleased about the Christmas card you two sent her last year... Together."

"I just wrote my name on it!" Sirius now whined to Potter. "I didn't plan on doing so! It just happened!"

"Yeah." Peter smirked as he got up from Black's bed. He moved to stand next to James. "Like you didn't plan the date with the one bird, whatshername..._ for weeks, _just to ditch her because Moony had a bad day. You've overlooked tens of birds for him. You don't do that for us."

Remus mumbled defensively, "I had a really bad day."

"He had a _really_ bad day!" Sirius flailed his arms at Remus. "I had to do something!"

Now James was grinning even wider. "I had a bad day the day before yesterday, and what did you do then? You told me to man the fuck up and stop whinging."

"Well, you're..." Sirius muttered as he lazily gestured towards Potter. "_You_."

"My point exactly." James nodded.

Remus turned his eyes to his lap without saying a word.

"Look," Potter said and pointed at himself and Peter. "We don't find it anomalous or revolting or anything. It's just you guys, we're accustomed to it. The other people might ponder if there's more to you two than just this very close friendship Pete and I know it to be."

Slowly Remus lifted his gaze from his own legs to Sirius, who was staring back beside him.

For a moment they just looked at each other, and then suddenly Lupin attacked Sirius, lips first, and naturally Black rolled over on the bed and pulled the geek on top of him.

Without even blinking an eye at the sight, Peter and James just stared at them snog on the bed, and once they witnessed Sirius' hand slide into Lupin's trousers, James thoughtfully uttered to Peter over the werewolf's lecherous moaning, "Like I said, they're_ very_ close friends."


End file.
